by Gabrielle Anwar
The utter devastation when we lose our Baby cannot possibly be captured in a sentence. The sorrow can be overwhelming and the disappointment during pregnancy, catastrophic.
At this time, there feels like there is no comfort substantial enough to support a grieving mother. No arms, no words, no deity.
While you mourn the loss of the life you so lovingly nurtured, allow the grief to rise and fall like the tides in the ocean. The tears must flow and if you are too shut down to feel, be patient with your grief. And ask your support system to be patient with you.
Ask your friends and family to deal with all the medical bureaucracy and nest as you would have had your Baby survived. Instead of nurturing Baby, treat yourself with the same care, love and attention you would your infant. Rest as much as possible, hydrate and eat nutritious yet comforting foods. Your hormones will be readjusting to the situation and you may feel foggy and very unsettled.
Lean on your partner and acknowledge that they too are grieving.
If you were far along in your pregnancy and your milk has let down, pump your breast milk and store in the freezer. You may feel that donating your supply will be an altruistic act as you heal.
There’s another Hungarian originated practice (like Pikler®) called Calatonia which reduces trauma in the body at the area of loss. Used mostly with amputees as a holistic, somatic psychology for healing, it can, with some invention be applied to the sudden loss of a short-term pregnancy.
It is a simple technique that requires a meditative sensibility to feel the loss as part of yourself again so that you may grieve with your own timing.
By simply placing the palms of your hands on your belly and focusing on the practice, you can find a tremendous sense of healing within.
Whether you employ Calatonia or another holistic practice to find your way, take the time to heal your body, emotions and psyche before you get back into your every day life.
The future has taken on a new purpose now, a different chapter is unfolding. One that requires self-care rather than that of a new born baby. Focus on you and your journey. Mother yourself. It is a practice. Become great at it.
