I am late to pen this newsletter as I have had my granddaughter and her parents staying with me in Coconut Grove and I’ve been navigating an unwell, elderly mother in England.
Spending this past month with my daughter and her own child as my mother is ailing has been cathartic and emotional. This bright, beautiful new life, teeming forth from my granddaughter has matched in voracity, the life just slipping away from my own mother. The circle of life tangible and inevitable yet the feeling of loss overwhelming.
The suffering my mother endures, ebbs and flows as my father painstakingly cares for her. Home from the hospital tomorrow, he will make her remaining time comfortable and loving, with much ice-cream and other indulgences a 91-year-old, child of WWI would enjoy.
While my mother is preparing for the Bardo, the energy field before and after life, my little 5-month-old grandchild steps fresh from that place, eyes alight with curiosity and newness. While my mother has lost many of her friends at such an age, my granddaughter is establishing new relationships, building trust as she clings to me when her parents slip off for a romantic Happy Hour alone.
I have made the conscious choice to remain silent 90% of the time as I witness Willow and Christian parenting. They are, in general stellar parents, committed and selfless, they love their daughter deeply and want only the best for her. Therefore my own commentary has little to no place in their relationship, unless they ask for my opinion.
The same applies to my own parents. When my husband and I visit the UK tomorrow, I have no intentions of interfering with their status quo, unless I am included in their decision making.
The relationships within the family can weaken when opinions are contrasting. The fragility of once strong bonds can fray at a mere suggestion. It’s important to put yourself in the other’s shoes and gently walk around a bit. Advice has its place, but wait for an invitation to indulge your own ideals, and try to avoid judgement. Your way is not always the right way. It’s just different.
I was treated to my granddaughter’s class in Los Angeles this past month. In a park, under the shade of the trees, on soft blankets, she and two other teeny girls. Willow, my husband and I marveled at the babies as they contentedly lay on their backs as we proud parents and grandparents listened to Hari as she patiently answered questions from the new mums & dads.
My own daughter, who, as it turns out, is a beautiful mother, watched proudly as her baby flailed her arms and legs in contentment, the sunlight dappled on her as she smiled at the leaves dancing above.
This is the ideal beginning for an infant. Uninterrupted Play 101. With no interference and no judgement, simply allowing baby to unfurl into the world at their own unique pace. There is no need for stimuli of any sort. Maybe a tented napkin, placed close enough for baby to focus on when moving their head to the side. Depending on the age and individual development of the baby, maybe he/she will reach for the napkin and bring it to their mouth to explore further.
The point of these RIE classes at this oh, so young age, is to not engage with your baby. Not until it is time for a diaper change or nursing or a wee cuddle is there any need to interrupt the time baby spends playing. And this is play.
No need for a baby gym, a bouncer, a prop up pillow or anything else on the registry. These can be impediments to baby’s growth. No need for Tummy Time. Until the baby rolls onto their belly on their own is he/she ready for this stage.
As hard as it is to not interfere when baby’s arm is stuck under their body during a roll, you can relax. Baby is very capable. Baby is going to gain so much self esteem by figuring out on his/her own how to move their arm out from underneath them, to find themselves on their belly. So sit on your own hands, be disciplined, make a choice for baby’s wellbeing not your own. Even in the name of “helping” your baby – you are preventing them from building self- esteem by interfering.
The healthy development of self-esteem in an infant will establish an emotional, physical and psychological advantage that so many children, young adults and adults lack. This results in the constant external search for gratification. This leads to ill health, addiction and even violence. If mum pulls baby’s arm out from under him/her in an effort to help baby, that same baby will spend a lifetime expecting/seeking external help to soothe and comfort, rescue and redeem them from themselves. This is where healthy mental health begins. As soon as baby is born he/she is establishing their status on the spectrum of psychological wellbeing. Not when they start preschool. Not when they begin first grade, or when they enter high school. No, it begins day one.
So, take a moment to remember this next time your baby appears to be struggling with something. Take a breath. Refrain from jumping in to rescue them. Remember the detriment of such an act of seeming kindness. It is in actual fact the antithesis of ideal parenting. When they do finally succeed in their struggle, you might simply, gently acknowledge their feat with a smile. “You moved your arm and now you are on your belly.” That is all they need from you. Acknowledgement is not enabling, it is a testament to an accomplishment. And this is where self-esteem is born.
September marks the end of the summer throughout most of the country. I like to milk the last sunny days and blue skies and am so happy to now be living in southern Florida where the summer truly never ends.
Our RIE (Resource for Infant Educarers), teacher, Hari holds classes outdoors in the fall in California for her infants and parents. As Emmi Pikler knew the importance of fresh air and nature for healthy development, so her protegé Magda Gerber who began RIE, continued to teach Hari and other RIE pedagogues. Hari’s website is an inspiration for new parents, harisriestudio.com.
In September, my daughter, Willow will introduce little Leia to RIE. Willow is not a newcomer she herself was raised with the Pikler approach later in life as her younger siblings grew. Willow at 7, would assist Hari at snack time in the class her brother attended. She would wipe the hands, place bibs on the toddlers and serve them their banana snack, and pint-sized glasses of water, wipe the hands and face clean, and remove the bib. A ritual the small children thrived in. Now Willow, many years later, will be taking her own infant to meet Hari and the other families who have connected to raising babies with deep respect and kindness. She will place her 3 month-old baby on a soft cloth on the floor, among the other babies, and sit back and observe with the other parents.
It is remarkable what you will witness now that you have tapped in to a calm, observant mother or father. You will notice so much detail and nuance with your baby as they flail their limbs, punching the sky. And how they will respond to the other babies close to them. Now that you’ve taken a step back, maybe the first since their birth, you get an entirely new perspective of them. One of fascination and pride, regardless of where they land on the developmental scale of norms.
My own two young children were inseparable yet on opposite ends of the developmental chart. Hugo was the last one in class to roll over and to sit up. Paisley was the first. Hugo was the last to get his first tooth. Again, Paisley was the first in her class. This dichotomous genetic symbiosis may have been exactly why they were so close and remain so to this day.
I look very much forward to attending one of Leia’s RIE classes with Willow so that the full circle between siblings and their own children, will complete itself, like the rings of a tree.
August is my favorite month of the year. From an English childhood dreaming of the long days of deep summer on those mostly glum, rainy days. I recall playing for hours with my older brother in the paddling pool in the garden, Grampa Harry our fearless Lifeguard/enabler.
Small children love water. It fascinates them. Whether they are buoyant in it, skipping through it, being sprinkled by it, it running through their fingers in the sink. Perhaps due to the environment from whence they came, babies, when kindly reintroduced to water, exhibit bliss from birth when gently submerged in warm water.
I would usually bathe mine from infancy in the bath tub with me, to free their capable bodies to the familiar weightlessness of their in utero selves.It was extraordinary to support their heads above water while their limbs flailed from the buoyancy of the body and calmly, in slow motion, move them through the water around my own body. Often times they would be lulled to sleep in this über relaxed state.
This kind of water massage is known as “Watsu” a combination of “water” & “Shiatsu” (massage) and with the right practitioner at any age you can experience that prebirth state and the joy of water.
Being apart from my granddaughter is unnatural.
We should be in huts just across from each other in some tribal commune in a clearing in the forest. But, alas, I am in Miami and Willow and her new family way across the country in Los Angeles.
I cherish every photograph and FaceTime moment, our catch up calls and learning every developmental milestone that has happened in the single month since little Leia Rae’s birth.
I’m writing this on the summer solstice, enjoying the prolonged daylight and planning my next trip to California.
When you encourage your children to explore the world it can be unlikely that your family will stay close by one another when they become adults and settle down and start a family of their own. Hard though this may be, it opens up the opportunity for traveling grandparents to come for prolonged visits and be the grandchild’s special project during their stay and vice versa.
Though quite honestly – I confess – It sucks being away from Leia! I can theorize all I want but there’s no justification to being an absentee grand-figure. I’d like to think that the young tribe, no matter how small, needs the elders to see their story clearly, chapter by chapter. It makes good and necessary use of the older, human population often overlooked. Nay, forgotten.
My Grandpa Harry was such a significant part of my life from infancy. Though my memories don’t extend back that far, I once experienced hypnosis with Dr. David Simon at The Chopra Centre, that restored many memories of quite early childhood with him.
He was always completely present with me. Respectful of my space, my body. He would play a game with two fingers like walking legs, asking, “Can I jump on your toes?” And I would nod, he would dance his fingers on my toes. Then from there he would ask, “Can I jump on your knee?” and I would give him permission. Then he would ask to bounce all over my body, one little jump at a time. I loved this game. What it was teaching me was terribly important.
In the summer months he would place me in the empty laundry bucket, an oversized pail that we all dumped our dirties in. He would hang me in the bucket in the apple tree in our garden and swing me. And he would play for hours with my brother and me in the paddling pool. He made me feel so utterly loved and cared for, always calling me “The Baby” until I pretended to resent the name as I grew older. How I wish I could hear him one last time, whisper it to me.
A grandparent can be the missing links in emotional deficits that are bound to appear within parenting. What mum & dad can’t quite manage in a day, Grandmother can take up the slack and create bonds that heal and bind, with just a heartfelt smile or a hug with Baby.
I spent the last month awaiting the birth of my granddaughter, on the opposite coast of California. As her mother, I prepared my daughter as best as I could, and she and Christian invited me to join them in the home birth of their baby.
Their midwife was wonderful, including me in Willow’s journey as the typical Braxton Hicks contractions seized her belly weeks before the due date.
As the contractions became more frequent and intense, no longer the simulations but those that dutifully squeeze the baby from the uterus, Willow became more uncomfortable and exhausted.
Prepared in hypnobirthing, she breathed calmly through each contraction the days leading up to the birth. She rhythmically, gently, bounced on the large, inflatable ball, to help lower the baby towards the birth canal, all the while letting her body and psyche know that it is safe for Baby to come through earth side!
The waiting was taxing, not planning much should the baby come suddenly. With the first born, the labor is often later than the due date. Pregnancy is really 10 months, rather than the 9 we imagine.
She wasn’t frustrated with the bun still cooking in her oven, baby Leia Rae was by no means in a hurry to burst forth into the world. She was quite comfortable in the safety of the womb. Until she outgrew the minimal space. Which was rapidly becoming evident!
After 24 hours of contractions, the midwife arrived. The baby’s heartrate would drop with each of the contractions, and she suggested we move camp to the hospital to better monitor the baby’s stress levels.
Feeling a little disappointment, but with baby’s health the priority, we were whisked through Triage to the birthing room. The baby’s heartrate was indeed problematic, not getting enough oxygen through her mother as the pain intensified.
Then Active Labor began, the pain increasing, Willow refused the Pitocin and the epidural, the raging warrior she is.
Witnessing, supporting my daughter laboring for hour after hour I stepped back, holding space for her and her Man. Her pain became my burden, my fears and hopelessness rode me like a wild beast.
She pushed so well, Baby’s head became visible immediately.
During the birth, I wept for the new life coming forth fresh from the Bardo, my legs week. I pulled myself together and wiped my eyes and embraced the resilience of the Grandmother, trembling.
Baby home safely, without sleep for two days, I fell into bed and slept with fitful dreams, the fear rearing until I woke shaking. The light turned dark as I replayed the expulsion of the tiny infant just as I had birthed the mother and my mother birthed me, and so many mothers in my lineage had before me. How Willow held her child, how she did not tear, how the doctor had failed to catch Leia, she was so consumed with dressing in her protective wear, visor, mask, gloves, scrubs. She missed the birth. The “take charge” nurse grabbing the baby. My fears shook me in retrospect.
The fragility of the passage through, the miracle of woman, my own flesh and blood, the future captured within my granddaughter’s tiny womb, my legacy, my own death closer than I care to imagine as my blood flows on from my own old mother and so on and so forth.
The emotion continues to ride me. We are all Goddesses, earthbound yet free to enter the spirit realm when deemed necessary for our growth and expansion. I have expanded, thanks to my daughter, again, from her birth to her giving birth. Still trembling.
May day brings such sweet memories dancing back to mind of the maypole ribbons braiding with each step of the girls skipping and weaving around each other. An old Medieval European tradition, many cultures have adopted this playful spirit and made it their own over the years.
As we discover more and more about early learning, we integrate the Pikler inspired approach to caregiving to modernize the science and keep it fresh for young families to fall in love with.
Each ribbon of information weaves together to form a beautiful formation of data That informs us of the very best way to grow a child into a healthy adult. Naturally there are many ways to grow a child and who are we to judge those beliefs and techniques that differ from ours? No parent likes to hear that they may be failing their infant, it is perhaps one of the most insulting judgements one can make. But fail our infants we do. With the very best of intentions no less!
I have made so many mistakes over the last 30 years of parenting that I have lost count. And I have done my very best to repair that trauma, no matter how seemingly insignificant, with each of my now adult children. But the key here is to learn how to prevent the mistake from happening in the first place. The preventative approach.
Dr. Emmi Pikler believed so much in preventative medicine that she would visit her infant patient’s homes for wellness checks when there was no illness in sight to maintain that healthy status quo.
Encouraging mothers to continue nursing for as long as baby would desire was a practice that built the child’s immune system so strongly that rarely would they fall ill. Using breast milk as a cure for many ailments, such as rashes, cuts, colds, eye issues, etc. etc. even as Baby outgrew the breast.
Beyond physical health, we must give mental and emotional health the due diligence it deserves. What better way than to raise a happy child than for that child to have a happy mother! From pregnancy on, Baby feels whatever his mother is experiencing. We must prepare ourselves as mothers, for this phenomenon. There is much scientific evidence that in utero Baby’s wellbeing directly corelates to that of the mother as he grows. This makes much sense if his entire body, bones and organs are being formed from the cellular integrity of his mother’s blood. Whatever she feels, hears, thinks, sees – all her experiences day and night effect the physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual growth of her baby.
This information is both simultaneously wonderful and disturbing, knowing that not all pregnancies are idyllic.
This symbiotic marvel doesn’t end postpartum. Not only does Baby continue feeling his mother deeply after birth, but the mother also continues to feel her baby as profoundly. Cells are exchanged between them during pregnancy that will last a lifetime.
This is why our maternal intuition is not just superstitious guess work originating in fear, there are literal signals being passed between mother and child, unspoken yet loud and clear.
Since there are so many invisible frequencies being exchanged between mother and her baby, they may have an acute rhythm that can be established very early on with the right observation, relaxation, pace and peace. And why some new fathers are so perturbed by their seeming insignificance during the first few weeks postpartum.
We at Rethink Baby encourage mothers to tap into that celestial rhythm during gestation so that after birth, there is already a deep bond established. Baby’s senses are already familiar with yours and vice versa.
And when you engage with a newborn do so with full calming presence and gentle intention so they can feel into you to feel safe and loved.
If you should ever find yourself in an environment that doesn’t provide such a space and cannot remove yourself immediately, hold Baby close, protectively. Make eye contact and explain with a gentle, reassuring tone that you both will soon be elsewhere in your usual safe space – that you are working on that right now. Do not feel tempted to tell your baby that they are safe when they are not. This mixed signal is one of many mistakes most parents make in order to appease Baby, when Baby intuitively knows the truth as he is feeling into your cellular depths and your tone of voice, your heartbeat, your expression, the tangible tell tell signs of truth. You are still deeply connected to each other, there is no room for untruths here.
April is abuzz with spring in the air. The bees come out to play again and pollen infiltrates the outdoors. To avoid allergies from developing take Baby outside often, every day, multiple times. Play in the grass, gather wildflowers, nap in the shade together, feast on a picnic. Just get outdoors!
Our over cautious use of sanitizers throughout the house is not such a great idea in the grand scheme of building immunities to everyday pollutants. The same applies to pet dander. Expose Baby to animals when safe as early as possible. Peanuts too should be introduced at an early age to avoid developing a life-threatening allergy later, although precautions should be taken to avoid choking on nuts of even their butter. Some babies with eczema are more prone to nut allergies than others, so a simple allergy test with your pediatrician would be beneficial. Eczema itself can possibly be prevented by avoiding baby products that contain chemicals – which is almost all commonly bought baby products, including diaper cream, talc and baby oil. And even the most popular diaper brands are completely contaminated by very dangerous chemicals (see diaper article). The FDA does not protect babies at all in all of their approved baby products.
Try to avoid antibacterial products around the house. As counter intuitive as this may seem, exposing Baby to germs in moderation is the best preventative to allergies.
A toddler splashing naked in a mud puddle may be overwhelming to some mothers, but can be the best defense and a tremendous amount of fun and makes for a wonderful photo op. Wellington boots are also an option.
The more naked exposure to the moderate elements the better. A nude dance in a rain shower is one of the best memories I have witnessing my babies delight in the cool sensation on their skin. A nude dip in the warm ocean followed by a romp in the sand is a full body experience not to be missed. Barefoot on the grass another adventure to indulge your little one. Take off their shoes as often as possible when safe.
When potty training discard the diaper to indicate that the sensation of urination/bowel movement is the first signal to hit the potty. Much easier without the familiarity and numbing diaper. Be prepared for an accident or two or three, but without reprimand. Being outdoors without a diaper is a must when weening Baby from their paper panties. The sensations without the restriction of the diaper are new and unique and the more Baby is exposed the better.
Dr. Emmi Pikler encouraged all babies regardless of age, or the weather to be outdoors. Under an awning if necessary, with a blanket, but always in the outdoors, developing healthy lungs but also to experience and enjoy the sounds, sights, smells and feeling of nature surrounding them. Like a little cub in the wild, entertained and comforted by the simplest of flora & fauna. The leaves rustling in the trees, the sunlight dancing between the branches, the scent in the air and the soft caress of the wind. What better environment is there to thrive in?
Spring is just around the corner, bunnies hopping in the meadows, and commandeering the consumer shelves. Sugar, the most prolific narcotic in the US will lure us into its saccharine clutches with cute chicks, rabbits, eggs and all things spring-like and beguiling.
Beware of the marketing targeted to your maternal indulgences, and to toddler’s wide eyes at the cashier counter, and see beyond the manufacturing of seasonal delights into the ingredients intended to create addicts of us all.
Withholding sugar and sugar substitutes for as many years as possible will be the very best choice you can make for baby. Think of sugar as the highly addictive substance that it is, and you will soon discover that it is the prevalent ingredient in almost all foods – particularly those generated for young children.
A “healthy” bowl of cereal for breakfast for example is practically a myth. Unless the ingredients specify no sweetener of any kind is used, don’t even trust the “all natural” wording on the packaging.
Remember, the FDA’s best interest is not our baby’s holistic health. I have witnessed toddlers sipping on Coca-Cola or other sodas and wonder why our health education is so lacking.
Imagine pouring vodka into your baby’s bottle and watching as he stumbles and falls around until he vomits and has a one-year-old hangover. It’s inconceivable. And yet each time we spoon sugar into Baby’s mouth, we are creating disease in his developing body, speeding up his natural mobility rate, until he is bouncing
off the walls, a serious crash inevitable, and then the cycle begins again.
We are turning our children into addicts even with popular formula from day one. Obesity and Diabetes are on the rise and dietary patterns formed in childhood extremely hard to break. So, as you enter the supermarket become a sugar detective, read the fine print beyond the “natural” misguidance. Fresh fruit is a healthy alternative, and with a little imagination, put your culinary skills to task, and see if you can create a bunny from a banana, or paint a hard-boiled egg shell with an original design, and serve the egg for breakfast – how fun for Baby to peel away the pretty shell to reveal the healthy food source beneath.
Imagine not craving sweets in our own life. Why begin this addiction in the first place in Baby’s?
Rather than buying dozens of non-recyclable plastic eggs to hide, filled with sugar this Easter, create a scavenger hunt with age appropriate clues that lead to one ultimate gift per child – a toy, a sugar-free cupcake, a home-made sock puppet. By using your imagination you are fueling your child’s. Your new world is his oyster, and there’s a pearl to be found in every corner.
Don’t wait for the 14th to share your love with the world. One day a year is simply not enough! Rather than pouring over generic Hallmark poems that bear no resemblance to your relationship, try your hand at some personalized prose. You might inspire your pen by Googling some of your favorite writers or quotes. Handwrite a heartfelt note to your Beloved, evoke their unique qualities that you fell in love with, and those that continue to seduce you. Separate yourselves from Baby, maintain the extraordinary coupledom that unites you, without mention of sleepless nights, diapers and regurgitation. Maybe create a practice of this expression, beyond an annual obligation.
Another opportunity to dress Baby up in hearts for a photo shoot. Poking props and accessories in creases, nooks and crannies. Do your very best not to encroach on Baby’s personal space. She cannot articulate her confusion and discomfort at suddenly becoming a prop for your social media feed.
Be gentle. remember to put your tiny self in baby’s booties and feel the significance of being manhandled and posed in unnatural postures and environment.
There is nothing more satisfying than capturing a keepsake of your adorable mini-me to display proudly for years to come, but keep in mind that any discomfort you might provoke in him will also last a lifetime.
With the significant amount of digital tools, you can create a number of adorable images to enhance a simple shot of Baby, finessing with personalized messages, and effects, with little to no disruption to the physical, emotional, psychological status quo.
It is easy in this fast paced world to lose sight of the stimuli that suffuses our lives. We can diffuse the static, turn down the volume, decrease speed and settle into the current moment. Less is more. So much more.
The politics of raising babies is lacking the fundamentals of cause and effect in society. We have not recognized that infancy shapes early childhood, which shapes childhood, which shapes adolescence, which shapes young adulthood, which shapes adulthood. If we do not provide adults with the education to begin conscious parenting from pregnancy onward, then we are regretfully, unconsciously, subjecting our children to failure long before their first steps.
There is a shockingly missing piece to childcare in our communities. We have neglected the critical impact we have from baby’s birth to toddlerhood, when we as parents, exhausted, overwhelmed and inexperienced need the most help and guidance.
When an infant is prepped for success in his immediate, seemingly tiny universe, this will infuse his entire journey through life. He will develop high Self-esteem, self-respect, respect for others, and a gentle, free spirit. If these qualities are lacking in his beginning world, then he may never develop his sense of the expansiveness of love to bring to the planet. It may be too late. Rehabilitation later in life to remedy this primordial lack is expensive, time consuming and unreliable. Imagine a utopian world where there was no need for a penal institution, judicial system or the need to bear arms?
As we raise a toast to the new year we might ask ourselves, “Who am I to my child? What does he see? What kind of an example am I? Am I proud? Could I do better? Am I the mother I dreamed of being?”
Maybe salute your hard work, your sacrifice, your unconditional love, and also make a specific commitment to improving your relationship, to your child, enriching your family and beyond. Every word, every syllable uttered between us, or spoken on the TV, or sung on the radio, is assimilated into the development of your small child.
Some programming may be suitable for early childhood, but more often than not, we as parents have become immune to the content droning on in the background of our lives. The heinous events on the local news, the lyrics to a popular yet hateful song, even the dinner conversation could be fraught with tension, lacking kindness.
These languages will sooner or later be repeated by Baby, during a tantrum,in daycare, on the playground. We will act astounded as if something evil has possessed our delightful child! We will be dumbfounded and appalled.
But the constant white noise of negative information, behavior, expression has been a staple within the home since before Baby could even focus his eyes on the television screen, or decipher the meaning of the words on the radio. But he will learn. He is always learning. And you must prepare with his needs as your priority. Turn off the noise. Listen to the rain on the roof, or sing a sweet song while driving in the car. Find peace for you both in the silence, in the soothing sounds of nature, the quiet reading of a book.
When dining out, don’t placate and sequester your small child with an iPad. Engage the table in conversation he can understand and contribute to. If the conversation evolves to other subjects, give him some crayons and coloring pad. Screens should not be introduced to small children, the science is solid.
When Baby goes to bed at night, if you must get your TV fix, streaming your favorite show, or a classic movie, grab your popcorn and binge away! Plan around the world you wish for your child, don’t impede on the simple, slow, smooth evolution of Baby as he grows exactly as he needs to, to become a balanced, kind, joyful, child, teen and adult.
Raise your glass to that.
This holiday season, don’t get caught up in consumerism. Try your hand at a homemade gesture, in the kitchen or at the craft table.
Create your list of friends & family you wish to receive something special, and go about an elf -like assembly line of crafting, baking, sewing or knitting, whatever knack you have, put it to task. Glean inspiration from a site like Etsy, and maybe utilize their expertise for custom trinkets, even gift cards and wrapping. Cloth alternatives to paper wrap is a great investment, as it is entirely re-usable and you can cut your own ribbons and embellishments. I like using a gauzy off white fabric, with beige velvet ribbon, adding a few vintage bells and a sprig of holly & berries.
If creating your own treasures is too overwhelming with a baby underfoot, don’t feel obligated to shop ’til you drop. Money is tight with children to care for, and buying a gift, just because it’s December is a ludicrous concept when you take a step back and look at the grand scheme of things. How about taking a great baby photo, or new family portrait in a beautiful, natural environment; a forest, a meadow, in the garden, the beach, and buy a collection of frames, pop the photos in, wrap and ta-da! a unique personal gift!
Going to the mall can be tricky with Baby during the holidays. It’s a mad house. If you must hit the stores, leave Baby with hubby, family or a sitter and fight the frenetic consumers on your own. But keep in mind, why are you feeling obligated to shop? Social pressure, expectation, guilt? Adjust your mindset to meet new goals, of the novel definition of FAMILY, now that you are The Mama, you can call the shots, set the tone, reimagine your traditions and rituals. Introducing your own holiday rituals is a beautiful way to bring family together, be it immediate or extended, including grandparents, aunts and uncles.
Think carefully about what values you’d like to instill, that you will commit to every holiday season. Our family is an unusual mix of cultures and religious influence, so I reclaimed December as Yuletide, celebrating nature and mother earth, feasting and ritual, fire and music define the entire month as we as a family decorate our pine tree, with heirlooms and homemade treasures.
We spend the weeks up to the 25th hand making individualized gifts for family and friends. Our rituals culminate at our Yuletide feast where we celebrate the blessings of the year past. When New Year’s Eve comes to pass, we light the fire once more, and while we dine, and sip wine, we write our shortcomings on one side of paper, and the hopes and goals of the new year on the other. We read our intimate scripture out loud, accountable and vulnerable, and then claim the Hero’s Journey ahead. The papers are tossed into the flames, and we let go of the past and take strength from the heat of the heart of the fire. This ritual has become our favorite of the year, since before the children could write and they would simply announce, their faux pas and dreams, then toss paper into the hearth.
I encourage taking hold of your moment to begin a new history that you as a family can be proud of. Set goals, ignite dreams and bid farewell to the lessons learned. It is a surprisingly cleansing practice, and has brought us all closer together in support and forgiveness.
I have the fondest memories of the month of November. Growing up in rural England, November 5th was always Guy Fawkes Day, and my family would wrap up in coats, scarves, hats, mittens and Wellington boots to traipse into the garden at night. We would have spent the afternoon gathering wood, building a giant bonfire, with a scarecrow of a Guy Fawkes on the top, giant potatoes wrapped in foil, in the heart of the fire.
My father would set the fireworks out, and my mother would prepare tomato soup, and my brother and I would patiently wait for nightfall. We would ignite the flames, and sit back, telling the story of Fawkes who’s failed attempt to burn down the Houses of Parliament in 1605, began this rather maudlin tradition, as our faux Fawkes caught fire before our eyes. I was in it for the baked potato and soup. The fireworks were exciting, but also loud and quite frightening. And there’s nothing better than a flame charred potato with fresh salty butter and homemade soup.
In the U.S few have heard of Guy Fawkes, and fireworks go bang in July. My American husband serves me a salty baked potato with gobs of butter and tomato soup every 5th of November, much to my delight, but my children don’t appreciate the significance, as this was not part of their tradition. My oldest has her birthday during this month and I doubt a baked potato would make much of a birthday surprise, but it truly is the simple gestures that have the most significant meaning in life.
I will find my 29 year-old wherever she is in the world to celebrate her day of birth. Even Guy Fawkes was eclipsed when Willow was born. I will shower her with meaningful trinkets, some of which she receives on this special day every year, and need no explanation. Each piece carefully wrapped with care.The birthday card, often handmade, filled with sentiment and declarations of love, which she keeps for a lifetime.
I prepare for the children’s birthdays weeks sometimes months in advance, so not to rush into desperation buying and planning – with little or no ultimate sentiment. I will store away items, quotes, ideas, like a squirrel preparing for the winter, in a little stash, hidden from the world. When the children were younger I had to be quite diligent about their inquisitive curiosity and get rather creative with spaces the would never think of for my stash: under the stairs. The laundry hamper, in a tin with the dog treats! There is absolutely no need to be extravagant whether you can afford to or not. The simplest, heartfelt gestures are the ones our children remember, if they have been raised thoughtfully.
Is your child your mini-me? Do you like who YOU are? Are you sculpting a loving, respectful, joyous, bright, kind, compassionate, appreciative, giving, healthy successful, unique individual? Do you think before you act? Even with your baby?
As the seasons change to fuel the earth, you too are transformable into a better and better parent. Slow down, take stock, put yourself in baby’s booties.
It is never too late to be the mother you yourself dreamed of.
Be the change.
